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英文短篇幽默故事
大家在学习英语的时候，我们可以通过阅读英语幽默的故事来提升自己的阅读水平。以下是小编为大家整理好的英文短篇幽默故事，欢迎大家阅读参考！
假如生活是一台电脑【1】
you could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. you could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it ! you could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. you could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. you could click on "find"( ctrl,f)to recover your lost remote control and car keys. to get your daily exercise,just click on "run"!if you mess up your life,you could always press "ctrl,alt," and start all over!
你可以通过控制面板增加或者删除一些人：可以把孩子放进回收站，然后在你喜欢的时候再还原；可以通过调整显示器的设置让外袁更好看：可以在吵闹的时候关掉音箱；可以点击¨搜索¨找到丢失了的遥控器和车钥匙：锻炼身体的.时候，点击¨运行¨。要是你的生活一团糟，同时按下¨ctrl，alt, 键，一切就会重新开始。
放屁的问题【2】
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ¨Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never small and are always silent.
有位小老太太去看医生，她对医生说：”医生，我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题，因为我放屁不臭而且没声音。
As a matter Of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know l was farting because they don't smell and are silent.” The doctor says, ¨I see, Here's aprescription.
事实上，自从我进了你办公室后，已经放了至少20个屁了，但是你并不知道对吧，因为我的屁不臭，而且还没声音。"医生说：“好的'，我明白了。
Take these piles 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, ¨I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent... stink terribly.
吃这个药片，一天三次连续吃七天，下星期你再来。一个星期后，老太太来了，¨医生，你到底给的我什么药，现在我放屁还是没声音。
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
但是怎么这么臭"医生说：太好了!既然你的嗅觉正常了，门开始治听觉吧。¨
你做了什么坏事【3】
It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What is your offense?”
圣诞佳节到来，法官心情愉悦地问犯人：“你做了什么坏事啊？”
“I did my Christmas shopping early this year,” cried the prisoner.
“我今年圣诞节购物早了些”犯人回答。
“There's nothing wrong with that,” said the Judge. How early were you doing this shopping?”
“这么做没错啊，”法官说：“到底多早之前啊？“
“Before the store opened, ”answered the prisoner.
“商店开门之前“犯人答道。
你太晚了 You are too late【4】
On a bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.
"sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. MY wife did it before you."
在公共汽车上，有个人发现小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里o
"对不起,"他对小偷说，"你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事情了。”
那就更糟了【5】
Policeman:Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed Of your watch?
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
Man: lf I had opened my mouth,they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
男子：要是我张口的.话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
心理医生【6】
jerry went to a psychiatrist. "doc," he said, "l've got trouble.every time i get into bed, i think there's somebody under it. l'm going crazy!" "just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. "come to me three times a week, and l'ii cure your fears." "how much do you charge?" one hundred dollars per visit. " i'll sleep on it, " said jerry. six months later the doctormet jerry on the street. "why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.¨for a hundred bucks a visit? the bartender cured me for$10．"" is that so! how?"¨he told me to cut the legs off the bed! ain't nobody under there now!!!"
杰瑞去看心理医生。¨医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了i…‘给我一年时间，¨医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。¨¨怎么收费呢？”¨每次一百美元。…‘我会认真考虑的。¨杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，¨为什么你再也没来呢？¨医生问。¨一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。真的.？他怎么做到的？”他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那儿没人了！
大五个月【7】
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。
可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的.表格时，感到非常惊奇。
“你多大了?”军医问。
“十八，长官。”约翰说。
“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”
约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”
你女朋友的地址是-【8】
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
乔治说：“请帮我把封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
“你还要什么?”比尔问。
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的'地址是-?”
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